katie.bloghorn.com

honest to blog

As always, I should write more.  And actually, there have been many "blog worthy" moments in my life lately, but I never seem to get around to writing it all down.  My regular journal gets to see some of it, but most of my thoughts are emptied from my brain to paper during work when I just can't do anymore casework. 

A big reason that I haven't put any of those thoughts here is due to the fact that most of what's been going on has been a whole lot of adult-type situations that I've never found myself in before.  And by adult, I pretty much mean, more fucked up than your average kid finds herself in.  I don't know, maybe the average kid these days deals with more than I did, but this just seems like crazy soap opera dramatics.  Also, I'd hate to air all of my personal grievances here just to have people comment on how stupid I am.  Because, I know I'm probably stupid, but sometimes that just can't be avoided. 

Of course, it all has to do with a guy.  The same guy that has been hovering around the edges of my life (and vice versa) for months now.  It's really flippin' scary to realize how little you can know about a person.  It's scary that you find out new things every day and while that should be and is fun to discover, sometimes what you find is just hard to deal with. 

I think I'm frightened of relationships.  It's weird because you go for over two years being single and thinking of how much you want to be with someone, but you conveniently forget how being with someone means more than just dinner and a movie.  It means accepting things you might not have thought yourself capable of accepting, and putting trust in a near strangers hands, hoping that this amazing person stays amazing enough to not screw it all up.

I surprise myself at the bitter thoughts that pop into my head when I'm with this guy.  He's incredibly sweet and will say things that he likes about me, and to certain statements my immediate thought is, "Yeah, you think that's cute now.  Just give it a couple of months until you can't stand it and it turns into a monstrous, soul-crushing argument."  See, that's not a nice thing to think.  Why am I bracing myself for the worst  like this?   It would be so nice if the beginnings weren't such a process.  I'm sick of things being mixed up and while most issues have been settled, he still has baggage that lingers.  Things are improving by the day, but I just want to get to that phase where you really feel like everything is solid.  I want certain things to be, but I can't demand that everything happens on my time line, so I wait.  Patience is a virtue and all that jazz.  I think I should be sainted after all the patience I've maintained for nearly half a year. 

Anyway, I'm sure the two people that read this will just love to see me moaning vaguely about the new dude in my life, but I really want to write more frequently and I feel like I can't do that without putting up an accurate portrayal of what's going on right now.  That's how I've always been with journals too.  I'll go for months without writing and when I pick it up again, I feel the need to recap every mundane detail before moving forward.  Someday I'll really have to burn those journals.

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